At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
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The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.