1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
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Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
can’t believe I got front row seats
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this