Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
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[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
This rocks
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*