him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
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Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
two people or more is called a problem
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.