80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
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Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.