Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
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Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
My life coach traded me.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you