Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
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[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
I need this for my side hustle.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.