Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
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I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.