I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
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I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
thank god
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
termite twitter scares me
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Nose
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.