I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
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With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s