[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
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Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
peeping toms
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.