wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
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This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that