nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
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What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Love this one 😂🧟
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.