Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
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Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.