*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
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Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.