My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
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Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?