if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
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Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.