I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
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If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans