[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
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Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
But wait…
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.