*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
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Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.