Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
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*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Imagine having a party on purpose.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
dads on road-trips be like
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair