One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
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I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji