Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
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it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Banana is the quietest snack
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
when the buffet is more honest than your date
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
set yourself free xox
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.