[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
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Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
*weighs self after shaving
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
o shit
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.