On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
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I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.