I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
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I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
FRED: right