My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
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BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.