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aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
This is my brand.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!