Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
You Might Also Like
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
multitasking lunch
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT