Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
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God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.