I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
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deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
I don’t think my car can fly
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.