I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
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[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
one last job
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.