Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
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Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”