6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
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Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
the official breakfast of 2021
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Netflix: We have Less
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.