passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
You Might Also Like
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on