Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
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My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times