My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
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[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
pep talk
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY