When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
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being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)