Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
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ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
(by @ZachWeiner )
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*