2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
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Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”