I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
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“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
incredible text to wake up to
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Before & after 😅
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time