I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
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Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
I laughed at this way too hard.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..