7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
You Might Also Like
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
We avoided this particular disaster
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
it’s the silliest best thing
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.