my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
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as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you鈥檙e a cockatiel.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 馃檨
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can鈥檛 get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
馃憤
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I鈥檓 going to launch my career as a burglar.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
I can鈥檛 be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I鈥檒l be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
He just like my cat fr
True embarrassment lies within your first email address