Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
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“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.