People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
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NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Beauty and the Beast
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Why can’t mirrors be nicer