If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
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me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u