Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
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killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client