“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
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Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.