Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
You Might Also Like
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.